All Wrapped Up in a Brown Paper Bag

     A few weeks before Christmas each year, my Grandma would show up with the back of her car filled with gifts.  These were not the usual kind of gifts with shiny paper and bows.  There would be boxes filled with brown paper bags.  One for each of us.  They were not new bags, but ones that she had recycled and usually they smelled a little funny.  However, these gifts were the highlight of Christmas, because you never knew what you were going to find in those bags.  Flea collars, demon statues, garter belts, odd sized bras, just to name a few.  One year my dad got pink leg warmers and another we each got a harmonica.  We had more fun running around the house creating music, even though none of us knew how to play and it sounded horrible.  We got more joy and priceless memories over the years from those brown paper bag gifts.

My dad opening his gift.1985

      I have been thinking about Christmas gifts and realize that there are very few gifts that were wrapped in shiny paper and beautiful bows that I even remember what was inside.  The ones I do remember aren't wrapped the usual way.  The first kick of a baby whom a few days before the doctor told me I might lose, the family sledding down the stairs party (and I believe my mom was first), the ornament off the fireplace challenge, spending Christmas Eve with my brother doing our traditional lunch and shopping.  The gift of gracious forgiveness from my mom the Christmas morning that I spilled orange juice and totally ruined the breakfast she had worked so hard on. The time my brother miraculously pulled my car out of a deep ditch with no damage and my son who drove the horrible roads in a blizzard to get us safely to our destination that Christmas. There are so many of these gifts in my memory and the common denominator is not beautiful shiny paper, but people. 

  It has been many years since I have received a gift wrapped in a brown paper bag, but the cherished lesson taught by Grandma continues to live on.  The true joy of Christmas does not come from how a gift is wrapped.  It comes from the love we have and share with one another.  The best gifts don't come wrapped in the typical "normal" fashion. Sometimes, we take something so simple and make it complex.  The magic happens when you take a step back and take the time to look at how the best gifts are wrapped.  So far this year's gifts have come wrapped in the skilled hands of a cardiologist, the quickness of a caring nurse and in the power of healing.  They have come in the form of a PA student, an RN, an Athletic Training major, a Marketing major, a straight A Sophomore and a fuzzy demanding little dog along with FaceTime, phone calls and texts with family and friends.

May your Christmas and new year be filled with the treasures of
"the brown paper bag gifts".

A very Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

XOXO

Tiffanee

 "The best gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of 
a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ~Burton Hills

Are You Changing or Becoming Root Bound?

     Recently, on a crisp Saturday morning it took a lot of motivation, but I finally got myself out of the door and went for a run. It felt really hard and I was just trudging along, but since it was Saturday I need to get extra mileage in so I kept pushing forward.  All of a sudden, I felt pretty good, started to relax and enjoy it.  Then I realized it was because I was going gradually down hill. I felt good and I continued on down the hill, until my brain kicked in and realized I had put myself in a little dilemma in order to get home I had two options:    

1. Take the hard route back up the hill 
2. See if I could bribe my daughter to pick me up and take the little longer route down the hill to a trail head.  

 I had a decision to make.  Did I want to challenge myself and struggle or take the less painful route?  This simple issue got me thinking about something I had heard recently.   That when a plant becomes root bound and starts to deteriorate an experienced gardener will tell you it cannot just be taken out and placed in another container.  Soil needs to be shaken from the roots, straggling roots need to be pulled and clipped from the root system. Then the plant is placed in the new container and soil needs to be vigorously pushed tightly around the plant. In most cases (unless your thumb is brown like mine) the plant will then take on new life and grow.  How often do we set our own roots in the soil of life and become root bound?   We become comfortable where we are and may treat ourselves gently and not let anyone disturb the soil or trim back our root system. When things start to get uncomfortable or a bit scary we retract back to that comfort zone, even though we know it is not where we need to be for progression.  We remain root bound, stuck.  
     During the last few years of my marriage I knew it was over, we were both not healthy.  Several times I got to the point of actually saying it was over, but when the reality of what I was saying would set in I would back down and go right back to what I had known, too scared of the change that lied ahead of me. It took time but I finally realized I was never going to change if I stayed root bound. There was gonna be pain no matter what I chose, but the pain of progress would lead to change.  I still remember the night I uttered the 3 hardest words I've ever said, "I am done."  This time I was sticking to my guns. In those first few days afterwards I was numb. Little did I know that the dirt was being shaken off of my roots.  I was being prepared for what lied ahead.  It's been just over three years and my roots have been pulled, clipped, I have struggled, battled and crawled my way up many hills.  
     I've come along ways, but still have a long way to go. I still find myself retracting to my comfort zone when things get tough and a bit scary. I tend to really do this where relationships are concerned.  It has been said, that life is ever changing and in order to learn we must change too.  Don't become so stuck in your comfort zone that you become root bound.  Fact is, there is going to be pain in change, but there is great satisfaction in the progress that is being achieved.  The growth is priceless.  

         
That Saturday morning, I let the hill scare me and I chose the more comfortable option to end my run. Yes, I would of gotten more out of my work out had I taken that hill option.  It would of made me stronger.  At the moment, it was worth bribing my daughter with lunch to get her to come get me, it took the pressure off and it gave me about 3 miles of thinking time.  Change doesn't have to come in huge ways, sometimes it is the small scary steps you take to just keep moving that matter most. I went home, emailed a race director and told him I had been chicken and asked if he would change my 5k registration to the 10K and I accepted a date for that night.  
Both scary steps for me, but steps in the right direction out of my comfort zone.

XOXO
Tiffanee

Seeing Life Through a Cracked Windshield

       Recently, I felt like I had one of those "Terrible, Horrible, No Good,Very Bad Days".  It started first thing in the morning and just kept rolling with one thing after another.  It seemed the harder I tried the worse things got. I discovered leaks under my sink, I fell hard while running, sat in traffic for 2.5 hours just to name a few.  One of the incidents was a flying object on the freeway that happened to hit directly on the driver's side of my windshield.  By morning it had spread and was directly in my vision line.  It was crazy how it altered my view.  For the first few days I could lean to one side to avoid it and still see, but that did not last long.  Pretty soon when I drove all I could see was the crack. That crack became a constant reminder of the many frustrations and issues that had been weighing pretty heavily on me.

     Then one night a few days later, I get a call.  It was my almost 3 year old niece.  Her first words were "Aunt Tiff, I am sorry you got hurt. Can I see your owies?"  My mom had told my sister about my fall and my niece who over heard was seriously concerned about me.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  We had a fun conversation, she brightened my day, but more importantly was a true blessing that I needed right then.  She wasn't concerned about my windshield, valves, pipes, financial responsibilities or my other woes.  She was concerned about me and just the reminder I needed. I thought about my blessings just over a couple days. That call and the service that friends and family had provided me with; random texts of encouragement, dropping everything and rushing to assess my situation, calls just because they were thinking of me, transporting my children when I couldn't be there, rushing to the aid of my daughter who hurt her ankle, convincing me to leave the house on a Friday night, listening ears, support, hugs, smiles, pure love and acceptance. 

      As I drove to work the next morning, I looked at the crack a little differently. All of a sudden it did not seem so big or important. In the scheme of the whole windshield it was tiny. .I had been so focused on that crack that I didn't see that there was lots of good glass above and below it.  I realized I had been focusing on my problems which to me that crack represented and not all the many blessing that I had been given in just a few short days. I was truly humbled and it felt like the weight was lifted off of me. I no longer cared that I did not have water in my kitchen, sure it was an inconvenience, but I could make it work until I could get it fixed and the other things I had been fretting about were tiny and really didn't matter.  It was the people in my life that mattered.  I suddenly became more patient, more understanding. Whoever said thankfulness is happiness was correct, because I felt it that day.

     A few days later, I had water in my kitchen again thanks to good friends and a new windshield.  As I got in my car and peered out that new windshield, I marveled because the crack was no longer there and not only did I have full view of the road, but my life too. 

 I drove off  with more determination than ever to have a better attitude of gratitude and to make a better effort to serve others. That crack, however will forever be in my mind as a reminder not dwell on those "things" that really don't matter.  

My new goals each day:

XOXO

Tiffanee

This sweet beautiful girl is my hero!

Breaking the Filter Addiction

       Media has always portrayed people as beautiful and flawless. Now there are apps and filters that give everyone access to that “flawless” look instantly.  It appears to be the new social media norm. It is so easy to get caught up in it, because in this day and age of the social media craze there are pictures of what we are "supposed" to look like constantly staring us in the face
      Recently, I was curious and did some testing to see what responses I would get with filtered versus untouched pictures.  I am sure you can guess which pictures got the responses and which ones did not.  It was also interesting the quickness of the response time.  I tried to resist the urge to use the filtered one as my profile picture,but I failed.  Curiosity got to me, but only for a very short time and the overwhelming response was a bit shocking. Within 24 hours it became my most popular profile picture that only includes me in it (add my kids and the average goes up), after a week it had double the likes and 8x more comments than the unfiltered one posted just after it.

     Filters for pictures are so much fun. Truth be told they do make you look better and can give you an instant boost of self esteem.  They hide the wrinkles, zits, and other flaws. I will admit in the past I was addicted and found myself in the trap of the so called "social beauty standards". I began comparing myself to others and it left me feeling like I could never measure up.. I would spend so much time filtering, editing, adjusting pictures of myself before I would post on any social media platform or sometimes before I would even send them to anyone. I even took it so far one time to stretch my head so that my face looked thinner. It didn't take long for me to realize I did not like the way this was making me feel and if I kept it up I was on a fast road to self destruction  I pulled myself off of social media for a bit and put my focus on liking me.
     In the recent months I have heard several people say that when they meet people in person they look nothing like they do in their pictures and something just clicked....I wanted to be recognized, because in real life I look the same way as I do in pictures and be proud of that fact.

      Filters are still fun, but don't let it become your reality, remember it is better to be just you... Real - with wrinkles, zits and all the other flaws. To quote a friend of mine "Authenticity, is the most attractive quality of all." The important thing is you need to love yourself for who you are!  Don't compare yourself to others.

"No one is YOU and that is your SUPER POWER!"

and my favorite

"Self Love is the greatest middle finger of all time."

     Self esteem is something I still struggle with, but will admit I have come along ways. My goal is to look myself in the mirror and like what I see, not dislike what I am not. I have learned how to acknowledge the beauty in others, while trusting in my own.  Everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way and we need to learn to embrace that fact. Build upon it and not tear it down. It starts with each of us individually.
     This doesn't mean I won't play around with filters once in awhile, but I have found a new addiction to when I am having a bit of a self esteem issue..colored lip gloss, the more shiny the better and it seems to do the trick! 

Remember each and every day that you are beautiful just the way you are no filters or media standards are needed.
Love yourself, be real and be YOU!!

As I told a group of women last week during my presentation:

"Always remember, you are amazing..Realize how good you really are!"

I promise to take my own advice too.

XOXO

Tiffanee

Just Dance

     When I was a child there was an elite dance/drill team in my town.  It was full of all the really cool girls, but unfortunately had an age limit and I had missed it by one year.  When my sister was about 4 years old the director approached my mom and asked if my sister could be one of the banner carriers, because she was so cute.  My sister was adorable and this led in to her joining the younger team and eventually participating in dance competitions. She was incredibly talented, won big trophies, crowns and was really fun to watch.  I was so proud of her.

     I attended almost all the events and sat on the bench taking it all in wanting so badly to be a part of it, but knew it was not possible. I did however, find out that you did not need to part of a team to join the competitions and made it my dream.  I would spend hours and hours in my room choreographing dance routines that I could perform in front of judges.  The only problem with this dream...I never told anyone.  I was to scared to ask.
   

There is this simple rule in life: 

If you do not ask the answer will always be no.

Throughout my life I have missed out on a lot of things that I have wanted to do because I was scared to ask.  I then would be bummed and disappointed. In the last year I have learned a few valuable lessons in regarding to asking for what you want:

1. It is normal to be scared to ask for what you want.  Do it anyway.  Face that fear, because there is nothing worse than looking back with regret and disappointment because you never even tried.
2. You may ask for something and the answer may be a big fat NO.  Remember it is OK. Asking for what you want will result in a lot of yeses too!! 
3. Getting told no doesn't mean you suck. Period. Done. Don't even go there. 
4. Realize how good you really are. You are worth it! Confidence is the key. It will not only help you get the yeses, but better handle the nos of life too.

My parents were always supportive of anything we wanted to do and I am sure if I had told them about this dream to dance they would of done everything in their power to help me make it happen.  Unfortunately, the time to ask that question is long gone, along with my coordination and the ability to really bust a move (my children will happily verify this information).  However, it does provide a good reminder to keep dancing and that if you never ask, you will never know or have the chance.. so JUST ASK!!

XOXO

Tiffanee

My sister is still dancing (more Zumba these days). She's beautiful inside and out.
She amazes me every single day!

Scars

     About 18 months ago, I had this tiny scratch above my lip.  A few days later I woke up and it felt kind of funny, as the day went on my lip started to get bigger and bigger.  By the end of the day it was huge, and the pressure was so intense. I stopped by a walk in clinic to have it checked out.  The doctor wasn't worried, but to ease my mine gave me some antibiotics and topical ointment to put on it. By morning my lip had exploded and the open wound continued to grow. I slapped a band aid on it and went to work. Thankfully, my coworkers urged me to see my primary care doctor immediately. He took one look, ran out of the room only to come back quickly to complete the test on it himself. It turned out I had MRSA. He prescribed a very high powered antibiotic and gave me strict warning that if it got any worse I was to go to the emergency room immediately.  It was not only ugly, but so painful. Thankfully, the medication worked and the infection did not spread any further. I had several more doctor appointments to make sure. It was the first thing people could see and I noticed how eyes were drawn directly to it. I became very self conscious and only left the house when I absolutely had to. It took awhile before I could smile without pain and it continued to get uglier.

This was a few days after the healing process started. 

The healing process felt like it took forever and was extremely painful not only physically, but emotionally as well. I was blessed to have caring coworkers, supportive family and a good doctor who acted quickly to prevent permanent disfiguring of my face.  With time it fully healed and thankfully I am left with only a small scar. A scar that unless I pointed it out would probably go unnoticed and I forget it is even there.

The healing process for a wound is often painful and in some instances more painful than the initial injury. The good thing is most of the time the process is so good that once completed we forget the scar even exists. Not too long ago, however my MRSA scar suddenly became noticeable in pictures. I couldn't believe it and became a little obsessed zooming in and out of pics, finding the scar was definitely evident. The more I focused on that little scar the more other flaws I began to see. I asked my kids about the scar. They couldn't see it. Something had triggered the emotional trauma surrounding that experience and I was back to feeling that ugliness all over again. It has been said that when we have had a wound we tend to become oversensitive to factors that did not used to bother us before. To things that other people don't even notice as in the little scar. This is where we need to learn to recognize these things and keep them in check. I had to take a step back, take a good look and reassure myself that it was healed. It is ok to remember why you have that scar and what it represents, just do not reopen the wound. 

    We all have had wounds that turned into scars.  The one on your knee from falling off your bike, the one on your forehead from running into a table, the missing side of your finger that you cut off, heartbreak, trauma and on and on. There are the scars that can be seen and others that cannot. There are physical and emotional scars. No matter what kind of scar it is each one has it's very own untold story of survival. Scars do not mean your are flawed. They represent triumph of a battle fought and won.
I can see the scar, but now look at it differently. There is a lot of strength that lies within it and every other scar you may have.

So the next time a scar comes in to focus remember:

​“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

Each scar represents bravery, courage and strength.

Wear them proudly!

XOXO

Tiffanee

Finding the Light in the Tunnel

Entering the tunnel

      A few months ago I was fortunate to run a half marathon with an incredible, life long friend.  We ran for about 1/2 mile and then entered an old railroad tunnel that went on for 2 1/2 miles.  They had given us flashlights at the beginning.  We had tested them out and everything appeared to be working well.  We entered the tunnel, I turned my flashlight on and still could not see a thing.  My flashlight was super dim and I began to seriously wonder if I was going to be able to endure for that far.  I stayed as close to my friend as I could and just tried to hang on following her lead.  A short while later, just as I was beginning to panic just a bit,  I reached up to wipe the sweat off my face and realized I had my sunglasses on! You can imagine how things brightened up once I took them off.
      This got me thinking how often do we get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship that we put blinders on because we don't want to lose that excitement and we don't see the things as clearly as we should be. Things that we should really be watching for early on; those red flags, things that just don't feel or seem right, those gut feelings.  I remember one time following a group of friends though a crowded area, I was so focused on the excitement and not losing them that I did not pay attention to where I was going.  Once we stopped I looked up and realized I was right in the middle of a place I did not want to be. Even though I was not in any immediate danger, I was terrified by the way it made me feel.  This can happen pretty easily in a relationship too, when we fail to take off the blinders and look up, we could possibly end up with something we do not want or a place where we do not want to be, which can be pretty scary.  The good news is once we remove the blinders and look up we are able to see things as they are good and bad.
      Once I took my sunglasses off in the tunnel, my flashlight provided me warning about potholes, dripping water, puddles, creatures and things in my path. Without it I would of struggled, probably fallen, possible gotten hurt and who knows if I would of found my way out. Even though it wasn't easy, it guided me to my destination safely. In relationships we not only need to remove the blinders, but add the light of prayer and inspiration to  provide us a warning of things that could potentially harm us and it will guide us in the direction we need to go with it.  As long as we follow this everything will be ok.

Exiting the tunnel

     It sounds crazy, but once I was without sunglasses and could see the light of my flashlight to follow I actually enjoyed the tunnel. It was challenging and exciting at the same time.  The same is true with a new relationship, we can keep the excitement, just lose the blinders, look up and enjoy the journey.

XOXO

Tiffanee

Lessons Learned While Dating My Running Shoes

I usually run one half marathon a year and that feels like one too many, but this year I did something crazy and ended up signing up for 3 half's in a 4 week time period.  I did not mean for it to happen, but it just did. Honestly, it has scared me to death because I wasn't sure I could accomplish it.  I nicknamed it my "Triple Threat".  The company for all 3 races would be fabulous and even though it terrified me I couldn't resist. My training was pretty intense, where I  pushed my body to the limits, felt pain, frustration, exhaustion, but never wanted to give up.  Even after a difficult day I would get back up and do it again.  How is it I am good at doing this physically, but when it comes to emotional issues, the minute it feels a tiny bit uncomfortable, I am outta there.  How is it I can run not one, but three races in a short amount of time, but can't seem to go on more than one date with a guy. I've come up with the conclusion that with this physical challenge is, I control it and do not have to worry about anyone else interfering, it is all in my hands. With the dating challenge comes emotional issues where you have to trust someone else and that is where is becomes scary.  I teased that I was exclusively "dating my running shoes".  I think deep down this gave me the excuse I needed to not date.  Spending time with my running shoes was emotionally safe and really do like them. They fit  my feet perfectly, cushion my every step, are super cute and give me an extra 2 inches of height. What's not to love.  HAHA!!
 Looking back at the this 6 week "dating experience" with my shoes I did learn a few important things:

• It may take a few dates to get comfortable with each other (even if they are super cute).
• Once you get comfortable there will be times of irritation. Take time to adjust and fix it.
• Not all dates are bad, hold out for the the good ones will happen sometimes when you least expect it.
• Even when there are bad ones there is something to be learned and usually a good memory of some sort. Something you can laugh about later.
• You will trip and fall.  You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move along.
• There will be pain, frustration and sadness.  However, the joy, smiles, laughter and feeling of accomplishment will far outweigh the negative.
• There will be times of complete exhaustion, where you don't want to do keep going or do it again.  This is key to put yourself out there and keep working at it.
• Take time to breathe and enjoy the little things. 
• It takes time, effort, energy and lots of patience.
• With active dating your heart will get stronger.
• Confidence is crucial.
• It may be scary to put yourself out there. You are courageous and stronger than you imagined. 
• Your goal is attainable you just have to put the work in and most importantly never give up.

 Dating my running shoes was initially a joke, but surprisingly I learned a lot about real dating.
 It has given me confidence that I can do it. I can survive. The pay off is worth the risk (at least I keep telling myself that).

 My "Triple Threat" goal terrified me, however I was willing to take that on.  I put in the work and surpassed what my initial goal was.  I defied what I was told and took time off with each race.  It definitely was not easy and the struggle was real, but I did it.

With this goal completed, maybe it is time I hang up the running shoes..... and take on the real challenge, finding the man that I want to share my life with and that of course begins with putting myself out there and dating.

XOXO

Tiffanee

The Challenge in the Desert

I recently had the opportunity to hike in Arizona with a group of people I really didn’t know.  In fact it was all unfamiliar territory to me.  The dry desert heat, the elevation and three hours of sleep.  I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.  As we started on the trail it quickly became an uphill climb and honestly felt it would never end.  I had to stop a few times to catch my breath, but finally made it to the top.  The view was breathtaking as I had not realized until then how high we had actually climbed.  We took a few pics and then pressed forward now descending down a steep pathway. Once at the bottom it flattened out for awhile.  I figured I had made it through the worst part. Then suddenly the group stopped.  There was a discussion that came to the conclusion it would be best for us to turn around and go back the way we came that continuing on the loop was not a wise decision. This meant I not only would have to climb back up the steep hill but descend the front side of it.  It was not easy.  Sweat kept dripping sunscreen causing my eyes to burn and my lungs were on fire.  I slipped and fell several times going back down the hill because my shoes had no traction in the dirt and rocks.

     In a recent conversation I teasingly told a friend that I loved a good challenge, but is it possible to love the challenge when we are smack dab in the middle of it. This got me thinking.  Challenges do not need to be completed instantly. Just like my hike you sometimes you need to slow down, take breathers, adjust your course of action and most importantly you don't have to do it alone. Others are there to pick you up, dust you off, walk beside you and even carry you for a bit if needed.

The funny thing about this hike is even through all the struggles I enjoyed every minute of it.  I never thought about quitting or even complaining. It was all because I had great support and I listened to my body the same essentials we need to remember during a challenge.

XOXO

Tiffanee

The Sunshine Chicken Failure

      I love to cook and sometimes it can be a real adventure. I go on streaks where everything I make is a new dish.  One day when my kids were little I decided to make a dinner with a recipe I found for Sunshine Chicken and Rice. I prepared it just as the recipe said.  Placed servings neatly on each dinner plate and my hungry family started to eat. Almost immediately the gagging and disgusted faces were unanimous across the table, it was horrible completely not edible. We ended up throwing it out and ordering pizza. It was a true cooking failure
     Recently, my daughter sent me a message about just failing a final test which meant she failed the course.  She was devastated.  She felt like a failure and that her life sucked.  A few days later my son ran what would possibly be the last race of his college career and did not end up with the time he had been striving for.  He was very disappointed and felt like he had failed.  Recently, my friend and discussed our dating situations, how we both considers just giving up as we were failing.

      Theses situations got me thinking about life and how we often focus on the "one" failure.  How we can spend lots of time and energy wondering how it happened and wishing the outcome could of been better.  I have been in this situation many times.  At times it can feel so tragic that you feel that your life sucks because you failed.  Fact is....It does not make you a failure.
     Ask yourself does this one thing matter in the scheme of life? Think about the successes you have had.  For example such as how many classes you have passed, how many races you have ran well, how many dates that you have been on that have been good, etc.  Just as my Sunshine Chicken was total failure it didn’t mean I was a bad cook. I definitely didn’t make that dish again, but I’ve been adventurous and made lots of  delicious meals. When you have failures you may be hesitant to try again.  Instead  pick yourself up, hold your head up and high and go for it.  You got this!!

XOXO

Tiffanee

Going Up Hill...

   
     When I get an itch, I just have to scratch it and in this case it was the itch to race.  I found one that was not far away and for a decent price so I signed my girls and I up with only a few days until race day.  We arrived at the site and it was pouring rain to find the start was straight up a pretty decent sized hill.  I had ran to the bathroom shortly before the start and missed the directions given regarding the race course.  I made it to line just in time for the gun to go off.  I made it up the hill and then it was a pretty good decent back down.  It then went around and headed right back up the hill.  Just when you thought it was going to taper off you'd turn a corner and find another switchback going up.  I powered through thinking I can make it, only to find when I reached the aid station that I had to do that loop 3 times.  The second time I hit the hill was quite a bit slower and I found myself having to walk more than I ran so I did not die. I was soaked and the trail was getting more muddy by the minute.  By the time I hit it the third time I was smart enough to use my arms and power walk the hill.  Which took the chance of slipping on the mud out and was much easier on my body.  After finishing my last loop it was straight up the hill for a half mile and a very short gradual decent to the finish line.

     This got me thinking about certain trails or problems that you think you made it though only to find out you are dealing with it again. Why does this happen?  Isn't it enough to survive it once?  I came to the conclusion just as that day on the hill loop with each loop up it I learned something different and with each loop I got smarter and stronger.  When we experience a trial more than once it is because we have more learning and growing to do. Perhaps we are not ready for the big chunk all at once and it's the growth that occurs with each step we take.  Giving us what we need each time until we realize the changes that happened. It is then important to recognize the extra growth and strength we have been given because of our multiple trips "up that hill".
      Life can’t always be on a flat surface because we would never grow.  After completing 3 loops of hills I thought I would not make it up the last hill to the finish, but knew I had to.  Not only was it my goal, but the only path to the finish line.  Henry B Eyring said, “If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill."  Set your sights on that path, look upwards, and take those steps.  Each step will bring growth and strength, but most importantly bring you closer to your goal.  During trials don’t be afraid to ask for help, keep moving, believing, loving and doing. Before you realize it you’ll be enjoying the beautiful view from the top of the hill.

XOXO

Tiffanee

Is it Helping or Hurting?

I have a foot injury that likes to rear it’s ugly head every so often.  I’ve found if I can catch it early enough I can prevent the pain from getting full blown.  This morning I woke up to tightness and a little pain, so I thought I’d take quick action and put the compression sleeve on my foot.  Immediately after putting it on I felt relief and comfort. I wore it for a couple hours before putting on my shoes and heading out for a run. Less than a mile into my run the pain came back and continued to get worse with each step.  I began to wonder if it was my shoes or maybe I just needed to break down and get some special insoles. At about 2 miles the pain became so intense I began to think I wasn’t sure if I could make it home. I began to think about how this pain had not been happening all week. I came to the conclusion that the only thing different was the compression sleeve. I hobbled to a bench and removed the sleeve. I put my sock and shoe back on and decided to keep going for a bit just to test it out.  The pain was gone and all I felt was a little tightness.
Sometimes what we think is helping may actually be hurting us. Things might feel so comfortable and a perfect fit at first that we don’t realize when slight pain starts occurring. Once it turns painful we might look for other things that are causing the pain and overlook the true cause because it felt so good at first that we dismiss the fact that it could be the cause. If we don’t figure this out, not only could the pain become unbearable, but could be damaging. This is why we need to really start examining the situation when we first start noticing the discomfort. Look at the things that changed or happened just prior. This is crucial to watch for in life and especially when entering into new relationships. They often can feel so incredible at first that you do not see or feel issues arise or often doubt that it could be the problem. To alleviate pressure, just remind yourself to stay present and open. Listen and stay curious, but pay attention to things that do not feel right and figure out why they feel that way. Most importantly be true to yourself and trust what your gut instinct is telling you.
I am thankful I figured out so quickly what was causing my issue that morning. It definitely saved me from extra pain and possible damage to my foot. Removing the cause took me from thinking I would not make it home to running an additional 6 miles before returning home. My foot was not at 100%, but proof that some times things we think are helping can actually be causing us problems. Life is tough enough without having this type of pain added. Once we figure it out and remove or fix the cause we can continue to move forward in this incredible journey of life!

XOXO

 Tiffanee 

What are You Hiding?

     Recently, I got sick and literally felt like death.  It was all I could just to move from one place to another.  I don’t remember the last time I was this sick.  After 2 days of suffering a friend convinced me to go see a doctor.  Of course just because it is who I am I showered and did my best to look presentable in public even though I felt awful.  The nurse called me back and we talked about my symptoms.  She said you know it’s sounding like the flu, but you don’t look bad enough to have it.  When in my mind it was all I could do to sit on that bench, not curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.
       How often do we meet people that appear to be just fine, when in reality they are facing battles on the inside?  It has been said that it’s not always the tears that measure the pain, sometimes it’s the smile we fake. Why do we hide our emotional pain or battles from others?  The motives are fear based.  We are afraid of looking weak or susceptible to others, think we are independent and can handle it all on our own.  Am I guilty of this...YES BIG TIME!  I tend to use the "fake it until you make it" philosophy.  It is however, not always the smartest move on my part.  Enlisting others to help you out is not weakness.  In fact is shows great courage and strength.  I had a friend call me out on it.  She said, you help me so it is only fair that I get to do the same for you and she is right. Letting your emotions and problems out is the healthy way to deal with it, but it is not EASY.  You need someone you trust, lots of courage to face your fears and strength to let those emotions out and deal with it all.  Not something you can be expected to conquer overnight.  It takes baby steps.
     Just like the nurse judged me from sight, I was obviously hiding it well because my test came back positive for Influenza A.  It is a good reminder that people are extremely good at hiding what is really going on inside.  Therefore it important to be little bit kinder to everyone you meet, because you probably don’t know the battles they are facing.  Most importantly, it is very crucial that we are kinder to ourselves because we know the things we are facing!

XOXO

Tiffanee

The Curve Balls of Life...

      A few years ago I attended my first ever Mariners Fanfest.  The thrill of being there was incredible.  One of the things you could do at that time was get in the batter's cage and take a few pitches.  It had been awhile since I had stepped up to the plate and swung a bat so I was eager to have my shot at it.  After a long wait it was finally my turn.  I picked out the perfect bat, put on my helmet and walked up to the plate with confidence.  I took a practice swing and stood ready to hit that ball.  I watched the ball came soaring towards me, swung the bat and was excited that I had made contact with it...only to have the ball bounce and come back and hit me directly in the finger.  I shook it off and thought I could take my other 2 pitches, but found I could not grip the bat.  Feeling a bit defeated, I took off the helmet and walked out of the cage.  My family and I walked into the hallway and the next thing I knew everything went black and I woke up on the floor.  Medics were called and we were immediately taken out to the baseball field via the players tunnel (access that no one else had). They gave me an ice pack and had me sign some waivers.  Turns out I had broken my finger.  Looking back at this experience there was a very crucial mistake I had rushed in wanting to hit it so badly that I was not paying attention to the actual pitch coming towards me and it had been a wicked curve ball.

This was taken shortly after I passed out that day. 

       Frequently life throws us curve balls all of the time. When this happens it is a natural instinct to rush to that plate and want to hit it out of the park as quickly as possible.  Just as I wanted so badly that day I stepped in the batter's cage. The truth is most always if we were to just take care of it with one swing we would not learn or grow.  Just as in baseball it takes patience, practice and a clear vision to get through hard times. There is a reason the batter is given three strikes, not all pitches are meant to be hit.  Some we may think are the perfect pitch, but in reality have a nasty curve that we can't see at the moment and later realize that it was a blessing that we were able to dodge that ball and not get hit. There is always change in challenge (see what I did there).  There will be times when it feels like it takes all the strength you have just to stay in the game. You can barely hold on to that bat, but the important thing is you keep on swinging. With each swing you will gain strength, confidence, skills and knowledge you need to get through whatever you are dealing with. A friend recently explained to me the word "grit".  Not collapsing into despair, but to keep on swinging that bat and smiling. Happiness in life is not all about home runs. It’s the courage and strength to step up to the plate every single day no matter what. It's learning from the challenges and finding joy in the hits you get and progress you make. You can't rush it, just as I did that day I stepped in the batter's cage and got hit. It was a painful lesson.

   You learn to recognize "your pitch" and it WILL come along. After every hardship comes something incredible.  Hold on to that faith and that bat!

   My wise and incredible mom sent me this quote: 

"Life will always throw you curves, just keep fouling them off.  The right one will come, 

but when it does be prepared to run the bases".   

XOXO

Tiffanee

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Learning to Run Again

 

      During the final stages of my divorce I found a half marathon that was on what would of been my anniversary.  My divorce would be final a few weeks beforehand and I figured that was a good way for me to take on that particular day, with a challenge.  I signed up and began to train.  It was going well until about a month before the race I was out pulling weeds and felt a sharp pain up the back of my leg.  I figured I just pulled a muscle a bit.  I took some time off from running and rested it, but knew I needed to train.  I had to start with walking and after a week I went back to running a bit.  I found that I was having to focus on that hurt leg physically concentrating to get it to pick itself up with each step.  Training was very painful, but I was not going to quit.  One morning as I was really struggling to run it hit me.  I needed to slow down, give my leg time to heal and came to the realization that I might have to walk the half marathon.  Even though that is not what I wanted to do I suddenly was ok and at peace with that decision.
       It was then and there I also realized I was trying to push through the pain and hurt associated with my divorce.  I had jumped right in to dating pretty quickly, tried to move on with my life.  Things were not going well and I was struggling.  Just like my hurt leg I was trying to push myself to fast and was just getting worse. I came to the conclusion that I needed to slow down, take the time I needed to heal.  Walk, not run through this process and even take baby steps if needed.  I started to  focused more on my children and myself.  Just like I felt like I had to teach my leg how to run again I had to learn how to love myself again and get healthy emotionally before I could love anyone else.
   Race day came and miraculously I was able to run the entire 13.1 miles and finished with my best time to that date.  My healing process has been slow, but with each passing day I find myself getting stronger.  I am now confident that one day I will suddenly realize that I crossed that healing finish line without even knowing it.

You, Me and Anxiety

     A few weeks into my separation I couldn’t sleep, had  no appetite, had moments where I couldn’t breathe and would ugly cry at the drop of a hat.  I worked hard at hiding it all and then would fall apart privately.  It continued to get worse, but I failed to notice it.  I was purely in survival mode.  One day while at work I felt my chest tighten up and pain shoot through my body.  I wondered if I was having a heart attack, but suddenly realized what it really was.  I was experiencing anxiety.  Something I had never dealt with personally before, but I knew enough to finally recognize what it was.  It was right then and there that I knew I needed to take care of it before it destroyed me. Through this experience I learned  some valuable tools to overcome anxiety.

1. Know the warning signs, what it looks like to you so you can recognize when it starts.  The sooner you catch it the better.  Easier to combat it.
2. Get sleep!  I can’t stress this one enough. This is the number one priority. I finally went and got some sleep aids so that I could sleep and it was amazing how much better I felt after a good nights sleep.  I could think more clearly and handle things so much better.
3. Remember to breathe,  Take slow deep breaths.  
4. Have support people.  Someone nonjudgmental whom you trust that will let you bounce all your thoughts off of.  Who will support you, but also gently bring you back to reality.  
5. Get some fresh air.  Go for a walk, run or sit on a bench and just breathe it in.  It clears the mind and soothes the soul.
6. Focus on one task at a time.  Don’t overwhelm yourself.
7. Do something just for you.  Get a massage, buy yourself a small treat, do something you love doing.
8. Once you start to feel better examine your life.  What things do you need to do differently or add to your normal routine.  I look at things I know I should be doing, but I’m not. Such as prayers, scripture study, exercise, eating right, etc.  Try adding one simple thing at a time.  Baby steps.
9. If  it gets worse, seek professional help.  Counseling and if needed there are some good medications to help you get through it. I am thankful I had a great counselor who helped me get through this time in my life.

You never know what life is going to throw at you. So it’s good to beable to recognize the signs and combat anxiety before it reeks havoc with your life.

XOXO

Tiffanee

If Mrs. P Could See Me Now

   

      Lately, I have caught myself thinking about my running history.  It goes back to 7th grade PE.  I was a short, skinny very nerdy girl just trying to fit in.  My PE teacher was Mrs. P., who consequently happened to teach both my parents in school also.  Now that says something. Having the same teacher your parents had in school..CRAZY!!  She was this very fit, very tanned lady who lived in tight shirts and tennis skirts. She actually looked really good for her age. We speculated on how old she really was.  She made us wear these awful one piece PE Uniforms that zipped up the front (that's a whole other story in it's self).  

       It was within my first week she realized who my dad was (everyone knows my dad).  I had trouble with my lock..I heard, "You dad would never be that slow, you sure you are his kid."   Well I heard lots of comments from her reminding me that I was not as quick as my dad and I should be,  I considered myself athletic.  I had been on the swim team and played baseball with the boys!!  I felt she picked on me a bit and I hated going to PE. Then it came time to run the mile. Knowing me I probably set out to prove Mrs. P wrong that I wasn't slow, but to tell you the truth I don't remember anything about that moment except throwing up for what seemed to be hours afterwards.  

    It was after parent teacher conference a few weeks later that Mrs. P realized who my mom was and WOW did life change in PE.  She loved me then, but unfortunately the damaged was already done.  In my little mind I was slow and running made me throw up..the end!!   I never purposely just ran for fun again up until few years ago.

     This morning as I was running along I thought if only Mrs. P could see me now she'd be shocked.   Sure I am still not fast, but a more confident more determined individual.  She would never believe that I can run for multiple miles and not throw up! 

       What makes me feel good is that I FINALLY conquered that notion that I was slow and running made me throw up!  A little sad that I let it stay with me for all those years. There were opportunities that I may have missed because of it.......but the good news is it is GONE NOW!!

Time to look within yourself and get rid of those negative words someone once told you!  Throw them out, stomp on the grounds and proudly say,

"Mrs. P if you could see me now!!" (and I can actually picture her smiling!)

Does the Shoe Realy Fit.?

My family teases me about my shoes.  I do love a cute pair of shoes and who doesn't! One time  I found a killer shoe clearance and purchased not one but two pairs of adorable shoes for $5 each.  I was in HEAVEN!!

When I tried on the gold ones my normal size was too big so I went a 1/2 size smaller, they also have a little bit higher heal than I had worn in along time and the strap around the ankle was a bit constraining, but I didn’t care. They were cute so I told myself I would get used to it.  They give me a few inches of height and I need all I can get.  I wore them to church and they were adorable and I did just fine.

Fast forward a few days.....

Of course if you have cute new shoes you need to wear them to work.  I pulled up to work.  Parked my car and was rushing to the bathroom (it is a long drive and I drank a lot of water that morning), when BOOM!!  I guess the parking lot figured it needed a hug.  I jumped up and quickly made it to the bathroom.  While trying to keep my hand from bleeding all over the floor the back of my dress falls in the toilet.  

Can this day get any worse??

I pull myself together. Found a bandaid and got to work.  Lunch time rolls around.  Well my lunch now consisted of smashed chips and a pancake looking sandwich.  Luckily, it still tasted the same.  As I left work, I headed down the stairs, but missed the first step and down I tumbled.  Of course someone was right behind me and witnessed the whole ordeal.  I'm pretty sure I made the highlight reel of the security camera, not just once by twice for that day.  Thankfully, other than my pride I was not seriously injured.  Just some large scrapes, bruises and was a bit sore.  Do I blame the shoes?  Maybe...Should I really have bought the shoes knowing they did not fit perfectly just because they were adorable and a super great price?  

This got me thinking of how often do we try to "FIT IN" just because we are told that is what we should do?  Even as adults we still face the "peer pressure".  The pressure to attend parties, quit drinking soda, cook dinner every night, plan meals, coupon shop, dress nicely, participate in every activity and the list goes on and on. 

 For example a group of friends gets together quite often and they invite you to go.  You really don't want to go, but feel the pressure to participate.  Now you are faced with the decision of going and being miserable or dealing with the fact that you may not get invited again. 

"Stop. Think. What do you really want to do here?

  Do that. And be okay with it.

As a single middle aged woman I feel the pressure of watching the women who get the guys attention and wondering do I need to fit in that mold in order to be successful in that area in my life, because most of the time I just feel like I am failing.  Then I take a second look and think about those adorable gold shoes.  Even though I knew that those shoes were not the right fit, I was still focusing time and effort in trying to "FIT IN" them.  It turned out to be a miserable and painful journey.  Just because someone else can fit in those "gold shoes" doesn't make them better than me and because I can't it doesn't make me less of a person.  This can be applied to all areas of  life.  Quit trying to just FIT IN..you will be miserable.  Be YOU..the unique, amazing and incredible person that you are! Don't care what others think or do.

 FOLLOW YOUR HEART, 

BE THE BEST YOU 
and 

HAPPINESS WILL FIND YOU!!

I love this quote and it should be my new motto:

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” 
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sas

Yes,  today I need to take my own advice!

The Broken Bud

Just before Christmas I was given a Amaryllis plant with a beautiful bud.  I was scared to take it home afraid that the trip would break the plant.  I watered it and carefully put it on a safe place by my desk. The day after Christmas I was devastated to find my plant laying on the floor with the bud broken off.  I cleaned it up and threw the bud in the garbage, a few minutes later I had a thought and I found myself digging it out of the garbage trimming the bottom and placing it in a cup of water. I watched it carefully over the next few days until one morning I came in and found  these beautiful 🌺. Sometimes in life we feel like this plant broken and without hope to ever bloom. In these times we need to remember who we are and the heavenly help we have access to.  It will give us the nourishment and strength we need.  Then take hold of the nourishment put it in to action and prepare to bloom!  

Oops....Are My Insecurities Hanging Out

About a year ago I had a lunch date.  I walked through the crowded restaurant, ordered and was filling my drink when I wondered why the back of my leg felt cold..  just at that moment my date rushed over and pulled down my dress that was tucked in the back of my underwear. The most surprising part of it is I think my date took it worse than I did. Was I embarrassed..yes, but traumatized no.  I shrugged it off saying oh well things happen and I went on with my day. However, it did make for a great story.

   This got me thinking about insecurities. Why is it when my underwear hangout I can roll with it, but when my insecurities hang out it’s a whole different story. I have found I have a lot of them, especially when it comes to dating and  relationships. I never imagined I would be trying to figure this all out again at 50 years old. It’s all new and very scary. The inner mean critic shows up often and tells me that I’m not enough. This has caused me to go back and delete comments I’ve made on social media posts, erasing texts before I hit send or panicking because I did hit send. I’ve avoided any real relationship talk, ran away or shutdown at the first sense of insecurity and I’ve wondered why I hardly ever get second dates.(haha)

    The fact is Insecurity wrecks havoc on our self esteem and influences our behavior. It causes a whole ball of emotions and feelings of unworthiness. It causes unnecessary worry and chronic overthinking. It can become like a filled balloon that you are trying to tuck back in a crack which we know is impossible without letting out the air.  How do we do that in this case? The key is to recognize what it is(an insecurity not fact), figure out the cause of it, challenge that critical inner voice and squeeze the power out of it.

    It is time to handle insecurities just like I did that day my underwear was hanging out, recognize, deal with it and move on with confidence. Now to take those chances; send texts, post and not delete comments and give love a chance.  Who knows what might happen!

XOXO

Tiffanee