What are You Hiding?

     Recently, I got sick and literally felt like death.  It was all I could just to move from one place to another.  I don’t remember the last time I was this sick.  After 2 days of suffering a friend convinced me to go see a doctor.  Of course just because it is who I am I showered and did my best to look presentable in public even though I felt awful.  The nurse called me back and we talked about my symptoms.  She said you know it’s sounding like the flu, but you don’t look bad enough to have it.  When in my mind it was all I could do to sit on that bench, not curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.
       How often do we meet people that appear to be just fine, when in reality they are facing battles on the inside?  It has been said that it’s not always the tears that measure the pain, sometimes it’s the smile we fake. Why do we hide our emotional pain or battles from others?  The motives are fear based.  We are afraid of looking weak or susceptible to others, think we are independent and can handle it all on our own.  Am I guilty of this...YES BIG TIME!  I tend to use the "fake it until you make it" philosophy.  It is however, not always the smartest move on my part.  Enlisting others to help you out is not weakness.  In fact is shows great courage and strength.  I had a friend call me out on it.  She said, you help me so it is only fair that I get to do the same for you and she is right. Letting your emotions and problems out is the healthy way to deal with it, but it is not EASY.  You need someone you trust, lots of courage to face your fears and strength to let those emotions out and deal with it all.  Not something you can be expected to conquer overnight.  It takes baby steps.
     Just like the nurse judged me from sight, I was obviously hiding it well because my test came back positive for Influenza A.  It is a good reminder that people are extremely good at hiding what is really going on inside.  Therefore it important to be little bit kinder to everyone you meet, because you probably don’t know the battles they are facing.  Most importantly, it is very crucial that we are kinder to ourselves because we know the things we are facing!

XOXO

Tiffanee

The Curve Balls of Life...

      A few years ago I attended my first ever Mariners Fanfest.  The thrill of being there was incredible.  One of the things you could do at that time was get in the batter's cage and take a few pitches.  It had been awhile since I had stepped up to the plate and swung a bat so I was eager to have my shot at it.  After a long wait it was finally my turn.  I picked out the perfect bat, put on my helmet and walked up to the plate with confidence.  I took a practice swing and stood ready to hit that ball.  I watched the ball came soaring towards me, swung the bat and was excited that I had made contact with it...only to have the ball bounce and come back and hit me directly in the finger.  I shook it off and thought I could take my other 2 pitches, but found I could not grip the bat.  Feeling a bit defeated, I took off the helmet and walked out of the cage.  My family and I walked into the hallway and the next thing I knew everything went black and I woke up on the floor.  Medics were called and we were immediately taken out to the baseball field via the players tunnel (access that no one else had). They gave me an ice pack and had me sign some waivers.  Turns out I had broken my finger.  Looking back at this experience there was a very crucial mistake I had rushed in wanting to hit it so badly that I was not paying attention to the actual pitch coming towards me and it had been a wicked curve ball.

This was taken shortly after I passed out that day. 

       Frequently life throws us curve balls all of the time. When this happens it is a natural instinct to rush to that plate and want to hit it out of the park as quickly as possible.  Just as I wanted so badly that day I stepped in the batter's cage. The truth is most always if we were to just take care of it with one swing we would not learn or grow.  Just as in baseball it takes patience, practice and a clear vision to get through hard times. There is a reason the batter is given three strikes, not all pitches are meant to be hit.  Some we may think are the perfect pitch, but in reality have a nasty curve that we can't see at the moment and later realize that it was a blessing that we were able to dodge that ball and not get hit. There is always change in challenge (see what I did there).  There will be times when it feels like it takes all the strength you have just to stay in the game. You can barely hold on to that bat, but the important thing is you keep on swinging. With each swing you will gain strength, confidence, skills and knowledge you need to get through whatever you are dealing with. A friend recently explained to me the word "grit".  Not collapsing into despair, but to keep on swinging that bat and smiling. Happiness in life is not all about home runs. It’s the courage and strength to step up to the plate every single day no matter what. It's learning from the challenges and finding joy in the hits you get and progress you make. You can't rush it, just as I did that day I stepped in the batter's cage and got hit. It was a painful lesson.

   You learn to recognize "your pitch" and it WILL come along. After every hardship comes something incredible.  Hold on to that faith and that bat!

   My wise and incredible mom sent me this quote: 

"Life will always throw you curves, just keep fouling them off.  The right one will come, 

but when it does be prepared to run the bases".   

XOXO

Tiffanee

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Learning to Run Again

 

      During the final stages of my divorce I found a half marathon that was on what would of been my anniversary.  My divorce would be final a few weeks beforehand and I figured that was a good way for me to take on that particular day, with a challenge.  I signed up and began to train.  It was going well until about a month before the race I was out pulling weeds and felt a sharp pain up the back of my leg.  I figured I just pulled a muscle a bit.  I took some time off from running and rested it, but knew I needed to train.  I had to start with walking and after a week I went back to running a bit.  I found that I was having to focus on that hurt leg physically concentrating to get it to pick itself up with each step.  Training was very painful, but I was not going to quit.  One morning as I was really struggling to run it hit me.  I needed to slow down, give my leg time to heal and came to the realization that I might have to walk the half marathon.  Even though that is not what I wanted to do I suddenly was ok and at peace with that decision.
       It was then and there I also realized I was trying to push through the pain and hurt associated with my divorce.  I had jumped right in to dating pretty quickly, tried to move on with my life.  Things were not going well and I was struggling.  Just like my hurt leg I was trying to push myself to fast and was just getting worse. I came to the conclusion that I needed to slow down, take the time I needed to heal.  Walk, not run through this process and even take baby steps if needed.  I started to  focused more on my children and myself.  Just like I felt like I had to teach my leg how to run again I had to learn how to love myself again and get healthy emotionally before I could love anyone else.
   Race day came and miraculously I was able to run the entire 13.1 miles and finished with my best time to that date.  My healing process has been slow, but with each passing day I find myself getting stronger.  I am now confident that one day I will suddenly realize that I crossed that healing finish line without even knowing it.

You, Me and Anxiety

     A few weeks into my separation I couldn’t sleep, had  no appetite, had moments where I couldn’t breathe and would ugly cry at the drop of a hat.  I worked hard at hiding it all and then would fall apart privately.  It continued to get worse, but I failed to notice it.  I was purely in survival mode.  One day while at work I felt my chest tighten up and pain shoot through my body.  I wondered if I was having a heart attack, but suddenly realized what it really was.  I was experiencing anxiety.  Something I had never dealt with personally before, but I knew enough to finally recognize what it was.  It was right then and there that I knew I needed to take care of it before it destroyed me. Through this experience I learned  some valuable tools to overcome anxiety.

1. Know the warning signs, what it looks like to you so you can recognize when it starts.  The sooner you catch it the better.  Easier to combat it.
2. Get sleep!  I can’t stress this one enough. This is the number one priority. I finally went and got some sleep aids so that I could sleep and it was amazing how much better I felt after a good nights sleep.  I could think more clearly and handle things so much better.
3. Remember to breathe,  Take slow deep breaths.  
4. Have support people.  Someone nonjudgmental whom you trust that will let you bounce all your thoughts off of.  Who will support you, but also gently bring you back to reality.  
5. Get some fresh air.  Go for a walk, run or sit on a bench and just breathe it in.  It clears the mind and soothes the soul.
6. Focus on one task at a time.  Don’t overwhelm yourself.
7. Do something just for you.  Get a massage, buy yourself a small treat, do something you love doing.
8. Once you start to feel better examine your life.  What things do you need to do differently or add to your normal routine.  I look at things I know I should be doing, but I’m not. Such as prayers, scripture study, exercise, eating right, etc.  Try adding one simple thing at a time.  Baby steps.
9. If  it gets worse, seek professional help.  Counseling and if needed there are some good medications to help you get through it. I am thankful I had a great counselor who helped me get through this time in my life.

You never know what life is going to throw at you. So it’s good to beable to recognize the signs and combat anxiety before it reeks havoc with your life.

XOXO

Tiffanee

If Mrs. P Could See Me Now

   

      Lately, I have caught myself thinking about my running history.  It goes back to 7th grade PE.  I was a short, skinny very nerdy girl just trying to fit in.  My PE teacher was Mrs. P., who consequently happened to teach both my parents in school also.  Now that says something. Having the same teacher your parents had in school..CRAZY!!  She was this very fit, very tanned lady who lived in tight shirts and tennis skirts. She actually looked really good for her age. We speculated on how old she really was.  She made us wear these awful one piece PE Uniforms that zipped up the front (that's a whole other story in it's self).  

       It was within my first week she realized who my dad was (everyone knows my dad).  I had trouble with my lock..I heard, "You dad would never be that slow, you sure you are his kid."   Well I heard lots of comments from her reminding me that I was not as quick as my dad and I should be,  I considered myself athletic.  I had been on the swim team and played baseball with the boys!!  I felt she picked on me a bit and I hated going to PE. Then it came time to run the mile. Knowing me I probably set out to prove Mrs. P wrong that I wasn't slow, but to tell you the truth I don't remember anything about that moment except throwing up for what seemed to be hours afterwards.  

    It was after parent teacher conference a few weeks later that Mrs. P realized who my mom was and WOW did life change in PE.  She loved me then, but unfortunately the damaged was already done.  In my little mind I was slow and running made me throw up..the end!!   I never purposely just ran for fun again up until few years ago.

     This morning as I was running along I thought if only Mrs. P could see me now she'd be shocked.   Sure I am still not fast, but a more confident more determined individual.  She would never believe that I can run for multiple miles and not throw up! 

       What makes me feel good is that I FINALLY conquered that notion that I was slow and running made me throw up!  A little sad that I let it stay with me for all those years. There were opportunities that I may have missed because of it.......but the good news is it is GONE NOW!!

Time to look within yourself and get rid of those negative words someone once told you!  Throw them out, stomp on the grounds and proudly say,

"Mrs. P if you could see me now!!" (and I can actually picture her smiling!)

Does the Shoe Realy Fit.?

My family teases me about my shoes.  I do love a cute pair of shoes and who doesn't! One time  I found a killer shoe clearance and purchased not one but two pairs of adorable shoes for $5 each.  I was in HEAVEN!!

When I tried on the gold ones my normal size was too big so I went a 1/2 size smaller, they also have a little bit higher heal than I had worn in along time and the strap around the ankle was a bit constraining, but I didn’t care. They were cute so I told myself I would get used to it.  They give me a few inches of height and I need all I can get.  I wore them to church and they were adorable and I did just fine.

Fast forward a few days.....

Of course if you have cute new shoes you need to wear them to work.  I pulled up to work.  Parked my car and was rushing to the bathroom (it is a long drive and I drank a lot of water that morning), when BOOM!!  I guess the parking lot figured it needed a hug.  I jumped up and quickly made it to the bathroom.  While trying to keep my hand from bleeding all over the floor the back of my dress falls in the toilet.  

Can this day get any worse??

I pull myself together. Found a bandaid and got to work.  Lunch time rolls around.  Well my lunch now consisted of smashed chips and a pancake looking sandwich.  Luckily, it still tasted the same.  As I left work, I headed down the stairs, but missed the first step and down I tumbled.  Of course someone was right behind me and witnessed the whole ordeal.  I'm pretty sure I made the highlight reel of the security camera, not just once by twice for that day.  Thankfully, other than my pride I was not seriously injured.  Just some large scrapes, bruises and was a bit sore.  Do I blame the shoes?  Maybe...Should I really have bought the shoes knowing they did not fit perfectly just because they were adorable and a super great price?  

This got me thinking of how often do we try to "FIT IN" just because we are told that is what we should do?  Even as adults we still face the "peer pressure".  The pressure to attend parties, quit drinking soda, cook dinner every night, plan meals, coupon shop, dress nicely, participate in every activity and the list goes on and on. 

 For example a group of friends gets together quite often and they invite you to go.  You really don't want to go, but feel the pressure to participate.  Now you are faced with the decision of going and being miserable or dealing with the fact that you may not get invited again. 

"Stop. Think. What do you really want to do here?

  Do that. And be okay with it.

As a single middle aged woman I feel the pressure of watching the women who get the guys attention and wondering do I need to fit in that mold in order to be successful in that area in my life, because most of the time I just feel like I am failing.  Then I take a second look and think about those adorable gold shoes.  Even though I knew that those shoes were not the right fit, I was still focusing time and effort in trying to "FIT IN" them.  It turned out to be a miserable and painful journey.  Just because someone else can fit in those "gold shoes" doesn't make them better than me and because I can't it doesn't make me less of a person.  This can be applied to all areas of  life.  Quit trying to just FIT IN..you will be miserable.  Be YOU..the unique, amazing and incredible person that you are! Don't care what others think or do.

 FOLLOW YOUR HEART, 

BE THE BEST YOU 
and 

HAPPINESS WILL FIND YOU!!

I love this quote and it should be my new motto:

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” 
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sas

Yes,  today I need to take my own advice!

The Broken Bud

Just before Christmas I was given a Amaryllis plant with a beautiful bud.  I was scared to take it home afraid that the trip would break the plant.  I watered it and carefully put it on a safe place by my desk. The day after Christmas I was devastated to find my plant laying on the floor with the bud broken off.  I cleaned it up and threw the bud in the garbage, a few minutes later I had a thought and I found myself digging it out of the garbage trimming the bottom and placing it in a cup of water. I watched it carefully over the next few days until one morning I came in and found  these beautiful 🌺. Sometimes in life we feel like this plant broken and without hope to ever bloom. In these times we need to remember who we are and the heavenly help we have access to.  It will give us the nourishment and strength we need.  Then take hold of the nourishment put it in to action and prepare to bloom!