All Wrapped Up in a Brown Paper Bag

     A few weeks before Christmas each year, my Grandma would show up with the back of her car filled with gifts.  These were not the usual kind of gifts with shiny paper and bows.  There would be boxes filled with brown paper bags.  One for each of us.  They were not new bags, but ones that she had recycled and usually they smelled a little funny.  However, these gifts were the highlight of Christmas, because you never knew what you were going to find in those bags.  Flea collars, demon statues, garter belts, odd sized bras, just to name a few.  One year my dad got pink leg warmers and another we each got a harmonica.  We had more fun running around the house creating music, even though none of us knew how to play and it sounded horrible.  We got more joy and priceless memories over the years from those brown paper bag gifts.

My dad opening his gift.1985

      I have been thinking about Christmas gifts and realize that there are very few gifts that were wrapped in shiny paper and beautiful bows that I even remember what was inside.  The ones I do remember aren't wrapped the usual way.  The first kick of a baby whom a few days before the doctor told me I might lose, the family sledding down the stairs party (and I believe my mom was first), the ornament off the fireplace challenge, spending Christmas Eve with my brother doing our traditional lunch and shopping.  The gift of gracious forgiveness from my mom the Christmas morning that I spilled orange juice and totally ruined the breakfast she had worked so hard on. The time my brother miraculously pulled my car out of a deep ditch with no damage and my son who drove the horrible roads in a blizzard to get us safely to our destination that Christmas. There are so many of these gifts in my memory and the common denominator is not beautiful shiny paper, but people. 

  It has been many years since I have received a gift wrapped in a brown paper bag, but the cherished lesson taught by Grandma continues to live on.  The true joy of Christmas does not come from how a gift is wrapped.  It comes from the love we have and share with one another.  The best gifts don't come wrapped in the typical "normal" fashion. Sometimes, we take something so simple and make it complex.  The magic happens when you take a step back and take the time to look at how the best gifts are wrapped.  So far this year's gifts have come wrapped in the skilled hands of a cardiologist, the quickness of a caring nurse and in the power of healing.  They have come in the form of a PA student, an RN, an Athletic Training major, a Marketing major, a straight A Sophomore and a fuzzy demanding little dog along with FaceTime, phone calls and texts with family and friends.

May your Christmas and new year be filled with the treasures of
"the brown paper bag gifts".

A very Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

XOXO

Tiffanee

 "The best gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of 
a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ~Burton Hills

Are You Changing or Becoming Root Bound?

     Recently, on a crisp Saturday morning it took a lot of motivation, but I finally got myself out of the door and went for a run. It felt really hard and I was just trudging along, but since it was Saturday I need to get extra mileage in so I kept pushing forward.  All of a sudden, I felt pretty good, started to relax and enjoy it.  Then I realized it was because I was going gradually down hill. I felt good and I continued on down the hill, until my brain kicked in and realized I had put myself in a little dilemma in order to get home I had two options:    

1. Take the hard route back up the hill 
2. See if I could bribe my daughter to pick me up and take the little longer route down the hill to a trail head.  

 I had a decision to make.  Did I want to challenge myself and struggle or take the less painful route?  This simple issue got me thinking about something I had heard recently.   That when a plant becomes root bound and starts to deteriorate an experienced gardener will tell you it cannot just be taken out and placed in another container.  Soil needs to be shaken from the roots, straggling roots need to be pulled and clipped from the root system. Then the plant is placed in the new container and soil needs to be vigorously pushed tightly around the plant. In most cases (unless your thumb is brown like mine) the plant will then take on new life and grow.  How often do we set our own roots in the soil of life and become root bound?   We become comfortable where we are and may treat ourselves gently and not let anyone disturb the soil or trim back our root system. When things start to get uncomfortable or a bit scary we retract back to that comfort zone, even though we know it is not where we need to be for progression.  We remain root bound, stuck.  
     During the last few years of my marriage I knew it was over, we were both not healthy.  Several times I got to the point of actually saying it was over, but when the reality of what I was saying would set in I would back down and go right back to what I had known, too scared of the change that lied ahead of me. It took time but I finally realized I was never going to change if I stayed root bound. There was gonna be pain no matter what I chose, but the pain of progress would lead to change.  I still remember the night I uttered the 3 hardest words I've ever said, "I am done."  This time I was sticking to my guns. In those first few days afterwards I was numb. Little did I know that the dirt was being shaken off of my roots.  I was being prepared for what lied ahead.  It's been just over three years and my roots have been pulled, clipped, I have struggled, battled and crawled my way up many hills.  
     I've come along ways, but still have a long way to go. I still find myself retracting to my comfort zone when things get tough and a bit scary. I tend to really do this where relationships are concerned.  It has been said, that life is ever changing and in order to learn we must change too.  Don't become so stuck in your comfort zone that you become root bound.  Fact is, there is going to be pain in change, but there is great satisfaction in the progress that is being achieved.  The growth is priceless.  

         
That Saturday morning, I let the hill scare me and I chose the more comfortable option to end my run. Yes, I would of gotten more out of my work out had I taken that hill option.  It would of made me stronger.  At the moment, it was worth bribing my daughter with lunch to get her to come get me, it took the pressure off and it gave me about 3 miles of thinking time.  Change doesn't have to come in huge ways, sometimes it is the small scary steps you take to just keep moving that matter most. I went home, emailed a race director and told him I had been chicken and asked if he would change my 5k registration to the 10K and I accepted a date for that night.  
Both scary steps for me, but steps in the right direction out of my comfort zone.

XOXO
Tiffanee

Seeing Life Through a Cracked Windshield

       Recently, I felt like I had one of those "Terrible, Horrible, No Good,Very Bad Days".  It started first thing in the morning and just kept rolling with one thing after another.  It seemed the harder I tried the worse things got. I discovered leaks under my sink, I fell hard while running, sat in traffic for 2.5 hours just to name a few.  One of the incidents was a flying object on the freeway that happened to hit directly on the driver's side of my windshield.  By morning it had spread and was directly in my vision line.  It was crazy how it altered my view.  For the first few days I could lean to one side to avoid it and still see, but that did not last long.  Pretty soon when I drove all I could see was the crack. That crack became a constant reminder of the many frustrations and issues that had been weighing pretty heavily on me.

     Then one night a few days later, I get a call.  It was my almost 3 year old niece.  Her first words were "Aunt Tiff, I am sorry you got hurt. Can I see your owies?"  My mom had told my sister about my fall and my niece who over heard was seriously concerned about me.  It was the sweetest thing ever.  We had a fun conversation, she brightened my day, but more importantly was a true blessing that I needed right then.  She wasn't concerned about my windshield, valves, pipes, financial responsibilities or my other woes.  She was concerned about me and just the reminder I needed. I thought about my blessings just over a couple days. That call and the service that friends and family had provided me with; random texts of encouragement, dropping everything and rushing to assess my situation, calls just because they were thinking of me, transporting my children when I couldn't be there, rushing to the aid of my daughter who hurt her ankle, convincing me to leave the house on a Friday night, listening ears, support, hugs, smiles, pure love and acceptance. 

      As I drove to work the next morning, I looked at the crack a little differently. All of a sudden it did not seem so big or important. In the scheme of the whole windshield it was tiny. .I had been so focused on that crack that I didn't see that there was lots of good glass above and below it.  I realized I had been focusing on my problems which to me that crack represented and not all the many blessing that I had been given in just a few short days. I was truly humbled and it felt like the weight was lifted off of me. I no longer cared that I did not have water in my kitchen, sure it was an inconvenience, but I could make it work until I could get it fixed and the other things I had been fretting about were tiny and really didn't matter.  It was the people in my life that mattered.  I suddenly became more patient, more understanding. Whoever said thankfulness is happiness was correct, because I felt it that day.

     A few days later, I had water in my kitchen again thanks to good friends and a new windshield.  As I got in my car and peered out that new windshield, I marveled because the crack was no longer there and not only did I have full view of the road, but my life too. 

 I drove off  with more determination than ever to have a better attitude of gratitude and to make a better effort to serve others. That crack, however will forever be in my mind as a reminder not dwell on those "things" that really don't matter.  

My new goals each day:

XOXO

Tiffanee

This sweet beautiful girl is my hero!

Breaking the Filter Addiction

       Media has always portrayed people as beautiful and flawless. Now there are apps and filters that give everyone access to that “flawless” look instantly.  It appears to be the new social media norm. It is so easy to get caught up in it, because in this day and age of the social media craze there are pictures of what we are "supposed" to look like constantly staring us in the face
      Recently, I was curious and did some testing to see what responses I would get with filtered versus untouched pictures.  I am sure you can guess which pictures got the responses and which ones did not.  It was also interesting the quickness of the response time.  I tried to resist the urge to use the filtered one as my profile picture,but I failed.  Curiosity got to me, but only for a very short time and the overwhelming response was a bit shocking. Within 24 hours it became my most popular profile picture that only includes me in it (add my kids and the average goes up), after a week it had double the likes and 8x more comments than the unfiltered one posted just after it.

     Filters for pictures are so much fun. Truth be told they do make you look better and can give you an instant boost of self esteem.  They hide the wrinkles, zits, and other flaws. I will admit in the past I was addicted and found myself in the trap of the so called "social beauty standards". I began comparing myself to others and it left me feeling like I could never measure up.. I would spend so much time filtering, editing, adjusting pictures of myself before I would post on any social media platform or sometimes before I would even send them to anyone. I even took it so far one time to stretch my head so that my face looked thinner. It didn't take long for me to realize I did not like the way this was making me feel and if I kept it up I was on a fast road to self destruction  I pulled myself off of social media for a bit and put my focus on liking me.
     In the recent months I have heard several people say that when they meet people in person they look nothing like they do in their pictures and something just clicked....I wanted to be recognized, because in real life I look the same way as I do in pictures and be proud of that fact.

      Filters are still fun, but don't let it become your reality, remember it is better to be just you... Real - with wrinkles, zits and all the other flaws. To quote a friend of mine "Authenticity, is the most attractive quality of all." The important thing is you need to love yourself for who you are!  Don't compare yourself to others.

"No one is YOU and that is your SUPER POWER!"

and my favorite

"Self Love is the greatest middle finger of all time."

     Self esteem is something I still struggle with, but will admit I have come along ways. My goal is to look myself in the mirror and like what I see, not dislike what I am not. I have learned how to acknowledge the beauty in others, while trusting in my own.  Everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way and we need to learn to embrace that fact. Build upon it and not tear it down. It starts with each of us individually.
     This doesn't mean I won't play around with filters once in awhile, but I have found a new addiction to when I am having a bit of a self esteem issue..colored lip gloss, the more shiny the better and it seems to do the trick! 

Remember each and every day that you are beautiful just the way you are no filters or media standards are needed.
Love yourself, be real and be YOU!!

As I told a group of women last week during my presentation:

"Always remember, you are amazing..Realize how good you really are!"

I promise to take my own advice too.

XOXO

Tiffanee

Just Dance

     When I was a child there was an elite dance/drill team in my town.  It was full of all the really cool girls, but unfortunately had an age limit and I had missed it by one year.  When my sister was about 4 years old the director approached my mom and asked if my sister could be one of the banner carriers, because she was so cute.  My sister was adorable and this led in to her joining the younger team and eventually participating in dance competitions. She was incredibly talented, won big trophies, crowns and was really fun to watch.  I was so proud of her.

     I attended almost all the events and sat on the bench taking it all in wanting so badly to be a part of it, but knew it was not possible. I did however, find out that you did not need to part of a team to join the competitions and made it my dream.  I would spend hours and hours in my room choreographing dance routines that I could perform in front of judges.  The only problem with this dream...I never told anyone.  I was to scared to ask.
   

There is this simple rule in life: 

If you do not ask the answer will always be no.

Throughout my life I have missed out on a lot of things that I have wanted to do because I was scared to ask.  I then would be bummed and disappointed. In the last year I have learned a few valuable lessons in regarding to asking for what you want:

1. It is normal to be scared to ask for what you want.  Do it anyway.  Face that fear, because there is nothing worse than looking back with regret and disappointment because you never even tried.
2. You may ask for something and the answer may be a big fat NO.  Remember it is OK. Asking for what you want will result in a lot of yeses too!! 
3. Getting told no doesn't mean you suck. Period. Done. Don't even go there. 
4. Realize how good you really are. You are worth it! Confidence is the key. It will not only help you get the yeses, but better handle the nos of life too.

My parents were always supportive of anything we wanted to do and I am sure if I had told them about this dream to dance they would of done everything in their power to help me make it happen.  Unfortunately, the time to ask that question is long gone, along with my coordination and the ability to really bust a move (my children will happily verify this information).  However, it does provide a good reminder to keep dancing and that if you never ask, you will never know or have the chance.. so JUST ASK!!

XOXO

Tiffanee

My sister is still dancing (more Zumba these days). She's beautiful inside and out.
She amazes me every single day!

Scars

     About 18 months ago, I had this tiny scratch above my lip.  A few days later I woke up and it felt kind of funny, as the day went on my lip started to get bigger and bigger.  By the end of the day it was huge, and the pressure was so intense. I stopped by a walk in clinic to have it checked out.  The doctor wasn't worried, but to ease my mine gave me some antibiotics and topical ointment to put on it. By morning my lip had exploded and the open wound continued to grow. I slapped a band aid on it and went to work. Thankfully, my coworkers urged me to see my primary care doctor immediately. He took one look, ran out of the room only to come back quickly to complete the test on it himself. It turned out I had MRSA. He prescribed a very high powered antibiotic and gave me strict warning that if it got any worse I was to go to the emergency room immediately.  It was not only ugly, but so painful. Thankfully, the medication worked and the infection did not spread any further. I had several more doctor appointments to make sure. It was the first thing people could see and I noticed how eyes were drawn directly to it. I became very self conscious and only left the house when I absolutely had to. It took awhile before I could smile without pain and it continued to get uglier.

This was a few days after the healing process started. 

The healing process felt like it took forever and was extremely painful not only physically, but emotionally as well. I was blessed to have caring coworkers, supportive family and a good doctor who acted quickly to prevent permanent disfiguring of my face.  With time it fully healed and thankfully I am left with only a small scar. A scar that unless I pointed it out would probably go unnoticed and I forget it is even there.

The healing process for a wound is often painful and in some instances more painful than the initial injury. The good thing is most of the time the process is so good that once completed we forget the scar even exists. Not too long ago, however my MRSA scar suddenly became noticeable in pictures. I couldn't believe it and became a little obsessed zooming in and out of pics, finding the scar was definitely evident. The more I focused on that little scar the more other flaws I began to see. I asked my kids about the scar. They couldn't see it. Something had triggered the emotional trauma surrounding that experience and I was back to feeling that ugliness all over again. It has been said that when we have had a wound we tend to become oversensitive to factors that did not used to bother us before. To things that other people don't even notice as in the little scar. This is where we need to learn to recognize these things and keep them in check. I had to take a step back, take a good look and reassure myself that it was healed. It is ok to remember why you have that scar and what it represents, just do not reopen the wound. 

    We all have had wounds that turned into scars.  The one on your knee from falling off your bike, the one on your forehead from running into a table, the missing side of your finger that you cut off, heartbreak, trauma and on and on. There are the scars that can be seen and others that cannot. There are physical and emotional scars. No matter what kind of scar it is each one has it's very own untold story of survival. Scars do not mean your are flawed. They represent triumph of a battle fought and won.
I can see the scar, but now look at it differently. There is a lot of strength that lies within it and every other scar you may have.

So the next time a scar comes in to focus remember:

​“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

Each scar represents bravery, courage and strength.

Wear them proudly!

XOXO

Tiffanee

Finding the Light in the Tunnel

Entering the tunnel

      A few months ago I was fortunate to run a half marathon with an incredible, life long friend.  We ran for about 1/2 mile and then entered an old railroad tunnel that went on for 2 1/2 miles.  They had given us flashlights at the beginning.  We had tested them out and everything appeared to be working well.  We entered the tunnel, I turned my flashlight on and still could not see a thing.  My flashlight was super dim and I began to seriously wonder if I was going to be able to endure for that far.  I stayed as close to my friend as I could and just tried to hang on following her lead.  A short while later, just as I was beginning to panic just a bit,  I reached up to wipe the sweat off my face and realized I had my sunglasses on! You can imagine how things brightened up once I took them off.
      This got me thinking how often do we get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship that we put blinders on because we don't want to lose that excitement and we don't see the things as clearly as we should be. Things that we should really be watching for early on; those red flags, things that just don't feel or seem right, those gut feelings.  I remember one time following a group of friends though a crowded area, I was so focused on the excitement and not losing them that I did not pay attention to where I was going.  Once we stopped I looked up and realized I was right in the middle of a place I did not want to be. Even though I was not in any immediate danger, I was terrified by the way it made me feel.  This can happen pretty easily in a relationship too, when we fail to take off the blinders and look up, we could possibly end up with something we do not want or a place where we do not want to be, which can be pretty scary.  The good news is once we remove the blinders and look up we are able to see things as they are good and bad.
      Once I took my sunglasses off in the tunnel, my flashlight provided me warning about potholes, dripping water, puddles, creatures and things in my path. Without it I would of struggled, probably fallen, possible gotten hurt and who knows if I would of found my way out. Even though it wasn't easy, it guided me to my destination safely. In relationships we not only need to remove the blinders, but add the light of prayer and inspiration to  provide us a warning of things that could potentially harm us and it will guide us in the direction we need to go with it.  As long as we follow this everything will be ok.

Exiting the tunnel

     It sounds crazy, but once I was without sunglasses and could see the light of my flashlight to follow I actually enjoyed the tunnel. It was challenging and exciting at the same time.  The same is true with a new relationship, we can keep the excitement, just lose the blinders, look up and enjoy the journey.

XOXO

Tiffanee